JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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