There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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