She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
