I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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