Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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