There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My dick has a subreddit
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
