Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
