The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
