i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i believe in u and ur pee
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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