my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think people are normalizing furries
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
