You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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