If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
