Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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