At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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