Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
