please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
