New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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