New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
