I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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