Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
