Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
