I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Randomize
