I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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