What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
