Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
