I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
