my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
