tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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