i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
