He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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