You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
