they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
