Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
