I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it's great music for shaving your balls
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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