oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
