either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
