who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
