I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
