i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
