You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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