I accidentally burped into my bong.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
