My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
