I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you inspire me to be a worse person
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
