Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
