I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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