My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
