Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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