So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
