Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
