My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
