u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
